June 2015 (2)

So, I Love You. Go.

I used to think that someone I love (in terms of loving relationship), must give at least the same affection I gave to him –bigger much better. It’s fortunate that my-first–grown up loving relationship were with someone that has good skill of expressing care and affection. I’m feeling really blessed because he loved and cared for me so much. So this used-to-be-thought was stick with me for many years. Even though it was long-distance relationship (I just met him twice during our dating time), I gained many experiences –mostly exciting experiences. Not mention that we didn’t face challenges, we did. But, what I remember most were sweet memories I’ve spent with him. 

The worst then came when our loving relationship was nearly end. I realized that it requires a lot of efforts and commitment when you want to build a strong and long-lasting relationship (end up being married and live happily ever after). Short story, I broke up with him and instantly start to build another close relationship with another person. I used to believe that my primary reason to break up with him was I have found better and proper person than my ex (which years after that, I realized it was not the case). People said that if you want to ease your break up pain, then fall in love with someone else! I fell in love with someone else (or I thought I was falling in love), but still the pain of that loss was unbearable for me. 

I cried days to days, night after night, thinking that I’ve loss someone that really loves me. The worse thing is I believed that I’ve betrayed him. I didn’t realize how emotionally dependent I was to him. I just couldn’t bear the absent of his name on my phone screen. I constantly checked his Facebook account. I’ve been always crying every-time he gave me a phone call -and so he cried too. I felt like I don’t want to let him go nor allowing him to stay. This feeling of not-being-cared-anymore was nearly devastating my self-esteem. 

I came to understand why people often said ‘only time can ease our pain’, yes it absolutely is. I still communicate with him 4 years after our break up –even until today we’re remain as good friend. That 4 years giving me lots of wake up moments and realization. Mostly, the realization of how I really dependent on him emotionally. I thought that I love him so I can’t forget him. The truth is, I was feared that he’s no longer loving me. That’s the truth I’ve been denied for many years. That’s not mean that I don’t love him. I do love him and want to stay together as long as we can –but we can’t. I just cling myself onto him pretending that I love him so I won’t let him go. I won’t let him go because I was feared being unloved (that’s the truth, period). I let myself being spoiled with his love and care without realize that I was empty in the inside. I seek fulfillment on the outside without even try to fulfill it from the inside. 

Love (feelings) and relationships (decisions) can have separate rules and expectations. 

Love, because it is feeling, can be unconditional. Sometimes no matter what a partner does, feelings toward them do not change. 

Relationship, however, are working partnerships. As such, they require conditions, boundaries, limits and directions to run smoothly. You may continue to love a partner ‘no matter what’, you may not choose to be in relationship with them under all conditions. 

(psychologytoday.com) 

Then this “unconditional love” word came to my life. I still can’t fully understand what is this, but I found that letting go of someone that was not meant to be ours is one of the practice. Maybe. I read the article about how we must understand the difference between unconditional love and unconditional relationship. We have to fully aware choosing what kind of relationship we want to be. We can love someone unconditionally, accept them just the way they are but we can choose whether we want to build a relationship with them or not. Is that person can cooperate with us? Is that person have a courage to put lot of efforts to build a healthy relationship with us? Can we accept them with all of their imperfections, even if they didn’t meet our expectations in some areas? It’s our freedom to choose. 

Healthy relationships are necessary. These individuals love their partners unconditionally, but also set rules that maintain a relationship with them. They use influence, limits and contingencies to ensure a balanced, equitable exchange in their romantic partnerships. 

Furthermore, while they may continue to ‘feel’ love unconditionally, they also chose to end unhealthy partnerships when the conditions for them are no longer feasible. (psychologytoday.com) 

I then understand that letting go someone we love and freeing them is better than clinging our-self onto such an unhealthy relationship –on the name of love. I still remember him even until today, but everything has really changed. I decided to let go of him, even it’s hard and requires lot of energies and time. I make every past moments I shared with him as lessons and I hope that it makes me wiser and stronger. 

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Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold –that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go. –Dr. Maya Angelou