Apolog(ie) part I

un-meaningful

I'm fear of being not meaningful to one's life who's been so meaningful to me. Even though I know how it feels to be finally okay with so not meaningful to one's life -and literally don't care with that. But still, the early phase of realizing that you might lose someone and become irrelevant to his life is scary. It's still scary even though I know that it's more important to cultivate and embrace lessons that one's gave to you than wondering what kind of "life-changing" experience you gave to someone else. Sometimes, I want to tell my scary self, "Trust me. It's okay to be irrelevant to one's life -or I might say to "feel" irrelevant". Because the truth is, you are a part of puzzle to someone's life, no matter how small. Their life wouldn't be complete without you, regardless if they know it, feel it -or not at all. The same goes for your life. Your life wouldn't be complete without every person who has been there in your life. So, take a deep breath and let go of fear for feeling not meaningful.

Recently, I've been saying good-bye to the last bits of mementos from my earlier relationship. It's really a "good" bye. I say so because I feel that it's a beautiful separation between me and those mementos which had been jailed in my cupboard for years. I know that I'm maybe still in the process to accept the reality that we're not meant to be together, but I know that my feeling has changed a lot. So when I look at those mementos, I know that I better let go of them. Because the memories, I know, remain in me. Those what makes me the way I am today. Years ago, maybe I can't even imagine how it feels like to be without him in my life. But I realized -now- that I will be okay with or without him. I too, don't really think or want to know whether I'm irrelevant or not to his life anymore.

What really struck me to write this un-meaningful post is because of this. I think, how ridiculous human being sometimes. Say, six months ago I don't even know that a-particular-someone is exist in this world. But then today I feel so scary just to imagine that he's going to disappear from my life, scary that we're not meant to be together (oh, what a cycle!). I think that the hardest part is not only to part with the person itself, but also to part with all the expectations. Too much attachments! Congratulation. I don't know if this a part of another cycle or it will end with another story ending. I just want to be braver and more positive than before. Knowing that I'll be okay -no matter what.